All Things Considered, February 23, 2009 · In a controversial program aimed at enhancing border security, Texas sheriffs have erected a series of surveillance cameras along the Rio Grande and connected them to the Internet. Thousands of people are now virtual Border Patrol agents — and they're on the lookout for drug smugglers and illegal immigrants.
Robert Fahrenkamp, a truck driver in South Texas, is one of them.
After a long haul behind the wheel of a Peterbilt tractor-trailer, he comes home, sets his 6-foot-6-inch, 250-pound frame in front of his computer, pops a Red Bull, turns on some Black Sabbath or Steppenwolf, logs in to www.blueservo.net — and starts protecting his country.
"This gives me a little edge feeling," Fahrenkamp says, "like I'm doing something for law enforcement as well as for our own country."
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Make 100s a day working from home: call 1-888-SNITCHZ today. Now hiring:
***Camera installers. Looking for nimble bodies to make a few innocent trips to public restrooms, dressing stalls, the candy aisle of Dollar Tree, the Canadian border, all those Really Bad Villages in the Bad Part of Afghanistan, the writers' room at The Daily Show, your neighbor's minivan, the Democratic National Headquarters, and other suspicious sites of possible anti-American, seditious, nefarious, unpatriotic, axes of evil.
***Couch Taters. Want to get paid to watch videos all day AND help your Big Brother Uncle Sam keep the world safe for freedom loving Joe the Plumber, truck driving six packs? Log on to blueservo, zip up the camo jumpsuit, and flex those mouse-pointing hand muscles. Carpal tunnel is a serious hazard, but hey, freedom ain't free, buddy. We've all got to sacrifice something.
***Video game testers. We know, you've all heard of this urban legend. Who wouldn't want to get paid to play games all day? But now your fantasy has come true: our new application for X Box 360 lets you fly the Predator drones right into target destinations yourself. Brings a whole new meaning to point and shoot. It's like playing "Battleship," but you get to blow up real stuff! And kill real people! It's so cool to keep the flame of freedom burning.
***Virtual interrogators. The FBI is looking for a few good Patriots with big hearts and even bigger voices. All you need is an internet hookup and a microphone, the cheaper the better. We feed your audio directly to illegal scum-of-the-Earth, so-bad-we-know-they're-guilty-without-a-trial combatants in Guantanamo and other undisclosed tropical work camps. Let 'em have it for all they've done to ruin our peaceful world. Scream, laugh, or worse yet, blast 'em with Steppenwolf anytime, day or night. So fun you won't believe you're getting paid.
***Facesneetch. Join this exciting new social network in which the bad guys have nowhere to run or hide. From your mobile phone, iPod touch, or laptop, let the world know what the baduns are doing: hourly or even minute-by-minute. Example: "Bubba is...wondering how his neighbor can afford a new car when he just got laid off" Or, "Jimbo is...fixin to raise hell if those boys take one more step out of the ghetto."
Well JT, I'm read'in 'em but I don't see the posting. Hey there Mr. Wiburs, 'ole JT and I want to do our part to protect the United States of America but we don't see the description for sharp shooters. That's right you sight 'em we, snipe 'em. Hell, 'Ole JT can plug a jack rabbit on the run from a good 300. I suspect we be able to bag a few "strays" hopp'in the fence. Count us in, and may God bless the U S of A.
ReplyDeleteYour good buds,
Jethro and JT
Awesome dude..can I blast 'em when I see 'em on the screen?? I can really use the money.
ReplyDeleteOh man, Peter... well done! If I could ever manage to drum up even an oz. of snarky parody, I'd slip it in here. It's such a handicap to be so strait (strait forward, not strait laced). Great work!
ReplyDeleteHey Hubertg- I think you've got to turn in the foot or something for the money. FYI
ReplyDeleteAnon..yeah,...I suppose, there is always a catch.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably worth piling a few up before you turn 'em in.
this is absolutely inspired and first-rate satire!
ReplyDeletea small quibble: in the camera installation section you left out the makeshift mosques in American cities, where as we speak cells are being constructed to make us implode from within.
maybe they can install small speakers, too, so we can read from "the satanic verses" just to get their dander up and trick them into putting their plans into action before they are ripe.