Warning: In Bad Taste

NPR.org, February 18, 2009 · A jury in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., has ordered cigarette-maker Philip Morris to pay $8 million in damages to the widow of a smoker who died of lung cancer in a case that could set the standard for 8,000 similar Florida lawsuits.

So I have a pet. No, not a dog, not a cute little kitty, but a chimp. I know, I know, it's not your everyday pet. But a girl gets lonely. Some people think it's weird that I sleep with Travis, but I tell you what: he's a lot less hairy than my ex-husband, he never snores, and he doesn't bug me for sex. He's just a really great cuddler. He's also great at crossword puzzles, likes long walks at sunset on the beach, and cooks a fantabulous orecchiette with fresh tomatoes and pecorino. He doesn't judge me, he laughs at my jokes, and he remembers my birthday. There's only one problem: one day Travis found my Newport Lites and lit one up before I could stop him. One puff and he was hooked. I didn't know what to do. After a few hours, he got really, really grumpy and started tearing up my new living room suite. It was clear that he needed a fix, so I bought him a carton. We tried everything: meditation, videos, Nicorette, the patch. We tried aversion therapy, a life coach, cold turkey isolation. Once I thought we had it licked, but it seems that Travis had been secretly picking butts out of ashtrays, storing them in his fur, and sucking them down while I was at work. He tried to deny it, but I totally smelled it on his fur. Well, got to go. I invited a friend over who says she's going to cure Travis of this disgusting habit once and for all. I hope it works.