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Trump Unpacked, Episode 2: the Guam Edition (Call to Guam's Governor)


Good morning, good morning, (Trump has no concept of time zones) it's great to speak to you, (He has no idea this island even existed, let alone that it has a governor) and I just wanted to pay my respect. (Did somebody die? Not yet...) And we are with you 1000%. (Nice hyperbole. And who are "we"? Guam is a territory of the U.S. It is a part of the country.) You are safe. (Keep saying it Donald. Is that what your legal team tells you when they tuck you in at night?) We are with you 1000%. (With friends like these, who needs enemies?) And I wanted to call you and say hello. How are you? ("Hey, I'm great, Donald, an unpredictable despot just threatened my island with nuclear armageddon, but the sun is shining in Guam!")

Well, we're going to do a great job, (Good to know, Donald. I'm sure that clinches it.) don't worry about a thing. (What me, worry? Don't worry; be happy now!) They should have had me eight years ago. (Let me pivot to my favorite whipping boy, Obama.) I wish. (He may be the last person wishing this.) Nobody with my thought process. (As exhibited by this sentence fragment.) Because that was the time, but uh, and frankly you could have said that for the last three presidents. (Throws Bush and Clinton under the bus for good measure.) But you're gonna be taken care of. (What does this even mean? Trump threatens nuclear war, and claims that nearby targets will be "taken care of"? How? 40% off at Mar-a-Lago?) You've become--Eddie, I have to tell you, you've become extremely famous. (By hook or crook, this is all that matters to Trump: fame, attention, headlines, buzz. Actual governance? Boring. Prudence, restraint, diplomacy? For wimps.) All over the world they're talking about Guam (Yes they are: about how it is in the nuclear crosshairs of a rogue state.) and they're talking about you. (Some consolation: your beaches will turn to glass, but governor, you'll go down in history!) And I think your tourism, you're going to go up like tenfold with the expenditure of no money, (Talk about the art of the deal! Who wouldn't flock to ground zero? So much to see, so much to do! Pack your sunscreen and geiger counter!) so I congratulate you. (Implying that Trump did Guam a favor by putting it in the crosshairs.) It looks beautiful. (He's never heard of it, none of his hotels or golf courses are there--yet--but it looks great on his flat screen.) You know I'm watching. (We, know Donald. You love TV. Got it.) They're showing so much. (Yep, those sweeping beach panoramas on CNN. Great stock footage. Beautiful.) It's such a big story in the news, (Right: Trump threatening nukes IS a big story!) it just looks like a beautiful place. So beautiful. (That's the takeaway. Beautiful place, not like that dump of a White House.)

You just went to 110 [percent occupancy] I think. (Nuclear tourism is so good, and so profitable!) So look, governor, I just want to let you know. We're with you 1000%. (Again, not understanding that Guam is a part of the country. That is like telling New Jersey that the United States is on its side.) You have nothing--you notice he hasn't spoken recently. (In like five minutes? Does Trump actually think that he has cowed Kim? Good luck with that.) He doesn't talk so much anymore. (He doesn't have to talk, just keep his fat little finger on the launch button.) And we'll see how it all works out, (a new favorite Trumpism that reveals his utter lack of a plan. He has no idea how this is going to "work out," and neither do his frantic advisors, the American people, or our allies.) but you're not going to have a problem. ("A problem." Yeah, annihilation is a wee problem.) You don't--this is between you and I, (and apparently the whole world) but you don't talk like they talk. (You don't? Trump used precisely the same tone and language used by Kim!) You can't do that. (Um, Kim rebuffed his first threat by threatening Guam, precipitating this conversation, and our government literally did nothing. We did not even redeploy conventional military forces.) And you can't do that with people like us. ("People like us": John Wayne tough guys. Straight shooters who draw first, ask questions later. The whole world is one big saloon fight, apparently.) So I just wanted to pay my respects and say you seem like a helluva guy. (High praise: "helluva guy." For Trump, that is like a 7.)

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