"I alone can fix it!"
Thus you bellowed, Donald, at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland in 2016. Congratulations, Mr. Trump, you fixed it all right. It's all fixed up. Although, let's be honest, who knew fixing could be so complicated?
Hey, race relations needed fixing, and you are on your way toward solving that. Nothing throws an olive branch out to minority communities like appointing an Alabama prosecutor and Senator whose signature claims to fame are attacks on voting rights and immigration. But you know what? History will be kind to those who were loyal, and Jefferson Beauregard Sessions clung to you like a ventriloquist dummy in a bright red MAGA hat through the long hot summer, and into the pussy-grabbing fall, and you rewarded him well. You and Jeffie both characterize inner cities as "war zones." And you know what they say, "this American carnage ends." Saying it is as good as making it true, and what with Jeffie's rollbacks on police accountability, I'd say, "blue lives matter."
You know what else needed fixin'? That damn Obamacare. Let's face it: it's been in a death panel spiral ever since your new Tea Party buddies told everybody that grandma would be murdered by Obama, that arugula-eating, radical Islamic terrorist, socialist, libtard and his communistic health giveaway. I know, I know, those tea partiers aren't so fun any more when they are the Freedom Caucus and they knock down your health care bill from the right. But, hey, who knew radical Christian terrorist right-wing nut jobs could be so complicated? You were just pretending to be one of them, anyway, right? Just like you actually used to support Krooked Killary?
One thing you definitely got right was bombs. Man, you bombed the shit out of some people. I remember how you egged your supporters on at your rallies to beat up people like they used to in the good old days. Kept people in line. They all new their place. You sure showed Assad his place, and Putin, too. What with that totally random AWOL aircraft carrier, foe and friend alike better watch their back, because not even the commander in chief knows what our military might do next! One minute you're eating chocolate cake--such velvety, rich, moist chocolate cake--and the next the mother of all bombs is unleashing a death cloud one mile in radius in the middle of the Afghan desert. They say that it was a great way to test out a bomb on some real people. That's great! Fry some terrorists, take notes. No media present, no witnesses, you get to make the news. Show some of that old Air Force stock footage. Dick Cheney is so, so proud. And keep telling that what's-his-name, the gentleman from North Korea, who's boss. You owned a football team, Donald; now throw a touchdown with that nuclear football. Spike it! We're gonna get so sick of winning!
Know what I hate? The fake media with all their lies. I thought, after giving you such a hard time during the campaign, that once you won a historic victory they were gonna be nice. Because some of those questions, okay? Not nice! Not nice, at all. Like, those questions about Russia? So you took a few loans, that's the cost of doing business, am I right? A few rubles? Have you seen the girls over there? I mean, when you're famous, you can do whatever you want, right? So they want those stupid sanctions lifted, big deal? Who cares about Ukraine, anyway? It's all Russian to me. Paul Manafort knows about this stuff, and Carter Page. Real Russian experts, big league, first class, fantastic. The accountants, I get it, they say hold tight, don't say too much. Taxes? What taxes? Bah, everybody cheats, Donald. Shows you're smart.
I love your pen, Donald. I love it's slender suppleness, how you wield it in your delicate hand like a superpowered mini-scalpel to root out terror and evil wherever it lies. Ban those radical Islamic terrorists, but not the ones with oil who are on our side, for God sakes. Just whip up Fox and all our deplorable friends. A little healthy fear of brown people can't hurt too much in the ballot box, and our people sure love a wall, don't they? Lock her up, and make Mexico pay for it. Tear up NAFTA, and make the Mexicans sweep up the scraps of paper, then have ICE round 'em up and throw them in a Jeff Sessions private prison. Make America great, again and again!
Global warming is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese in order to make us weak sissies who can't make anything ourselves without feeling guilty about all the unicorns we are killing and snowflakes we are melting. Give me a break. Make clean coal great again! Gut the EPA. Regulations bad. Corporations good. Corporations are people, good people. I have met some of these corporations; they are the best people, they bring jobs back to America. These are guys who get Mar-a-Lago, okay. The finer things in life. Men used to be men. We wore big watches on our hairy wrists as we drove gas guzzlers down the open highway. I want those days again, Donald.
One thing you sure have stirred up is all those crazy protesters. What the hell, did they all get their period on the same day? Okay, you lost. Go home and suck it up, buttercup. The Trump Train is pulling into the station, darling, and you just better wink and bear it, hon. Go see what your man wants, and stop crying. Cash that check from George Soros and go shopping, stimulate the economy, but remember, buy American! America first! Trump steaks for all! With ketchup, American style, and a side of freedom fries. Cause nobody in the history of the world has cared about the care of women's care the way you have cared about care, Donald. I get it, you really care about and love women. I mean, like Howard Stern said to you on air, your daughter is definitely a piece of ass. And now she's kicking ass! Art of the deal, I'd say. She's taking the whole country to the cleaners now. That's women's empowerment for you.
100 days doesn't matter. But if it did, yours is historic. China is a currency manipulator, but they said, hey, let me explain, and they were very nice about Korea, and I can tell that chocolate cake was so very nice, so big deal? Art of the deal, right? Never has a leader in the first hundred days done more to deconstruct the deep state than you. I don't know that means either, Donald, but Banno keeps whispering it to me when he gets drunk, too. Which is pretty much every day, am I right? You sure did show that uppity Merkel the business. She is so rude. But that man from Egypt was so very nice. Real law and order type. No problem with protesters in Egypt, believe you me. They know their place.
100 days don't matter, but you have sure fixed the main thing wrong with our country and what has been holding decent, hard working, salt-of-the-earth, Joe the Plumber six packs from speaking their racist little minds all these years: political correctness. Cause Donald, you are straight rock and roll. Ted Nugent in the White House? Dude, that was epic! And now everyday vigilantes are empowered to assert their God-given right to stand their ground, protect their freedoms and their heritage not hate. I can't wait for 2020. Once we get those millions and millions of criminals and illegals who voted ILLEGALLY last time off the voter rolls--very bad system, run by very stupid people, political hacks--you are going to win so very bigly again. And again. Mount Rushmore for you. Or at least trending forever on Twitter.
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